Sometimes I used to ponder about who is gifted or blessed in this world. Given the diversity of the stakes involved in this question, it was not easy for me to arrive at a convincing answer for a while. Then I came up with my answer. If someone is born healthy without any deficits, has some people who care about them and needn’t struggle every day for the next meal, in the foreseeable future then I thought they were gifted and blessed. I felt better that I was gifted and blessed in this world. I accept the fact that my view could be disputed, but it made sense to me.
---
I was back from a long-planned retreat to Goa with some of my close friends. It was very refreshing. The harvesting festival Pongal was a few days away. I had not made it back home at Ariyalur for both Pongal and Diwali last year.
I headed to my home with a lot of excitement. Since I had arrived at my home on the morning of Pongal, the day passed in a hurry. Back home my mother complained to me that my father doesn't seem to rest at all even after retiring from his regular work. I told him that this is the time for him to witness the fruits of his lifelong labour and insisted that he makes a lot of time for himself and sit back and relax.
After a while, he told me that he seems to have some trouble usually speaking for the last few days. Having watched him speak for an entire day, I couldn't see any difference in his speech. But I insisted that we go to Trichy and check with some specialist. He told me that he had already fixed an appointment with a doctor on Monday due to unavailability during the festive time and suggested that I travelled back to Bangalore and assured me that he would take care. I got back to Bangalore on a Sunday night.
After getting back from work on Monday, I dialled to my father. It was my mother who attended it. She revealed to me that his speech started slurring that morning and our physician has referred him to a neurologist. She told me that the MRI of the brain revealed a lump in the brain and he had been referred to a senior neurosurgeon in Trichy. She cried to me saying that my father has helped a lot of people all through his life and nothing bad is going to happen to him.
---
28th January 2015
The receptionist at a diagnostic centre in Trichy informed me that it would take half an hour to get the report. Just six days after the open skull surgery to remove the lump totally, my father had recovered very well. That fact that he didn’t have any deficits due to the surgery when he had a potential risk of losing his speech or getting paralysed made me happier. But still, I was nervous. The neurosurgeon had told me that the excised mass appeared to have some malignancy and he would await the histopathological report of the same for the further course of treatment.
The report arrived. As I opened it anxiously, I was hoping for it to be anything other than the two words 'Glioblastoma Multiforme'. But the report contained them. It was Glioblastoma Multiforme, grade IV brain cancer with a dismal prognosis and a median survival of about 14 months with radiotherapy and chemotherapy. Though the tumour was completely removed surgically, it will recur in some time no matter what. Some people make even 6 or 7 years. But then the normal distribution of survival rates speaks for itself. He had no significant medical history before this. He is a teetotaler and a vegetarian. But still! After receiving the report that night, I travelled to Bangalore to report at work. I didn't sleep even for a single minute.
---
The Purpose
Now you could wonder where this post is heading. No, this is not one more post to explicitly preach other people about the lessons that one has learnt through his suffering. Nor is this a post to say that I'm through a lot of pain and make people sympathetic towards me. I intend to explain how I'm doing and handling this, the effects this episode is having on me and the way my thoughts are shaped. So firstly it could help my friends to know about what’s up with me as I have ceased to talk regularly to most of them. Secondly, it could help someone who reads to get through a rough patch in their life. I was wondering for a while, whether I should write this and share. But I'm someone who is of the opinion that history isn't written to know about the past but to help people build a better future by learning about the past. So I decided to pen this down and share it.
---
Current Update
He had completed six weeks of radiotherapy and concomitant chemotherapy by the end of March. But we weren't able to take him off a steroid which is used to reduce the brain swelling. So we had an MRI again in the middle of May. It revealed another bigger lump in the tumour location. The possibilities were that it was either tumour recurrence or radiation necrosis and an MRI cannot differentiate between both. We were told that he had probably few weeks left if it was tumour recurrence and had chances to get better if it was radiation necrosis. I decided to wait and watch as in both cases the daily dose of drugs is going to be same and also the advanced scan facilities to differentiate it was not available in Chennai. After three weeks he got better indicating that it is possibly radiation necrosis only. The steroid was reduced again as it has a lot of side effects. As of now due to the mass effect in the brain, he has a very slurred speech and growing weakness. I'm happy that he is still there and the remote possibility that he has chances to survive for a longer time is not ruled out.
---
Suffering is universal
I cannot say that I'm suffering a lot because of this. Also, it is worth noting that it is my father who is suffering! I realise that there a tonne of people who go through a lot of suffering and pain than me. So I don't complain or question why it had happened to my father. That is not going to make me feel any better anyways. It happens! I accept it. Yeah, it’s tough! But I don't have an option out. I need to go through this and let me face it. I read somewhere that in such situations all that you can control is only your response! So I see to it that my father gets the best treatment, care and support. I try not to think much beyond this, as it is out my control. The fact that I had an H1N1 viral infection after a business trip in February and recurrent bacterial infections due to weakened immune system after the bout of swine flu make it bit tougher for me handle this. But I feel that I'm doing fine and okay. I'm not good, and I cannot be for obvious reasons. And I don't feel bad about it. It’s tricky. I try to be as normal as possible.
---
To pray or not to pray.
Our neurosurgeon told me that I should pray to God that the tumour doesn't recur again. It was ironical since people who got treated by him call him God for his dedication and service. As I had seen for myself he saves a life every other day. However, my confusion was different. For the last few years, I had not been very religious. Should I become religious now and pray to God that he should save my fathers’ life?
The answer is quite long. I always have felt that I shouldn't abhor religions without understanding them. I see religions more as a solution for the harmonious living of humanity. I understand that the core of almost every religion touches upon the following. Firstly they say that you got to be humble regardless of the extent of success and power you have because most of it is not fully attributable to you. Secondly, to respect fellow human beings from all walks of life. Third, spend as much time as possible with your family, community and lead a quality life. Fourth, help others to the maximum extent possible. I feel that these days few people just try to make a crap out of the loopholes of the religions than to enshrine these basic qualities in our life.
So, for the last few years I had tried to be as humble as possible, respect every human being as much as possible, did donate a fair amount of what I earned for few causes and was open to help others. Note the word tried! I didn't pray for my well-being or fall in the clutches of the religion or spirituality as I thought that the primary end points of them are nothing but what I intend to do.
'But should I start praying now as others suggest? Will it help? Will God cure my father if I pray to him? Doesn't praying give you a purpose and hope?' These questions had occupied my mind for quite a while. But then I decided not to pray even now. Let me keep trying to stay humble, respect everyone and treat them well, help others and take good care of my family, regardless of my situation. I’m holding my theories on religions intact. Only this makes sense to me. But I'm not opposed to others praying. It is their option.
---
Bids Specialist and what is the point?
I currently work as a bids and proposals specialist. I help my company bid for the various new projects coming up in the industry sector and procure them as much as possible. The market in India isn't catching up, and there is a lot of pressure. With a struggle for a life on one hand and new projects in the other, I used to head to 'What is the point of all this?' moment numerous times at work. It was very confusing. My question was not about the economic benefit but in such work itself which seems to stress people a lot. But again it made sense to me. I witness the advances that we have achieved in the field of medicine and the number of lives we save because of that. I realised that innovations in the medicine could happen if only some incentive prevailed for innovation in any and every field. We might have to sweat it out to save ourselves.
---
Blessing in disguise
My mother told me before few weeks that one of the not so close friends of my Father commented to her that he wouldn't have been worried if he had that disease and felt that it should have come to him than my father. It is not so easy to pull off such a comment from someone. He has earned a lot of people like this, and the support they are extending is beyond. The friends and relatives are so kind and helpful that my family feels real better even in this situation.
So is the fact that I was given a proper Bangalore-based job a few months back and could travel to home almost every weekend, unlike the commissioning profile which required me to stay away from home for months. I'm also grateful for the support that my superiors extend to me in my job. They even relocated to me to their Chennai facility for six weeks when my father was undergoing radiotherapy. I’m glad that I’m there for him. I don’t know why, but I have a positive vibe that he will be normal soon. Not to forget that I'm prepared for the worst as well.
--
An Inspiration
I have not told much about my father in this post. Also, I intend not to. However, in this crisis he had impressed me with the courage he has shown. He is so confident that he is okay and normal. I don't know how he manages to do that. He never resisted any treatment and hardly interferes in the planned treatment course by leaving it in my hands. Let me try to learn from that because if I get a simple bacterial infection, I freak out. You are an inspiration Appa; please gather all your courage to stay with us for a longer time.
--
So how do I feel about myself now? I'm born without any deficits, I have a lot of people who care for me, and I might not have to struggle for my next meal in the foreseeable future, positively. So I feel that I'm blessed and gifted. (However) This too shall pass.
PS: No I'm not Perfect. I have not changed much. I have my flaws.
Update: My father breathed his last on the night of 13th November 2015, succumbing to uncontrollable tumour progress. A quote of Samuel Beckett has helped me move forward since then.
"I can't go on, I will go on."
---
I was back from a long-planned retreat to Goa with some of my close friends. It was very refreshing. The harvesting festival Pongal was a few days away. I had not made it back home at Ariyalur for both Pongal and Diwali last year.
I headed to my home with a lot of excitement. Since I had arrived at my home on the morning of Pongal, the day passed in a hurry. Back home my mother complained to me that my father doesn't seem to rest at all even after retiring from his regular work. I told him that this is the time for him to witness the fruits of his lifelong labour and insisted that he makes a lot of time for himself and sit back and relax.
After a while, he told me that he seems to have some trouble usually speaking for the last few days. Having watched him speak for an entire day, I couldn't see any difference in his speech. But I insisted that we go to Trichy and check with some specialist. He told me that he had already fixed an appointment with a doctor on Monday due to unavailability during the festive time and suggested that I travelled back to Bangalore and assured me that he would take care. I got back to Bangalore on a Sunday night.
After getting back from work on Monday, I dialled to my father. It was my mother who attended it. She revealed to me that his speech started slurring that morning and our physician has referred him to a neurologist. She told me that the MRI of the brain revealed a lump in the brain and he had been referred to a senior neurosurgeon in Trichy. She cried to me saying that my father has helped a lot of people all through his life and nothing bad is going to happen to him.
---
28th January 2015
The receptionist at a diagnostic centre in Trichy informed me that it would take half an hour to get the report. Just six days after the open skull surgery to remove the lump totally, my father had recovered very well. That fact that he didn’t have any deficits due to the surgery when he had a potential risk of losing his speech or getting paralysed made me happier. But still, I was nervous. The neurosurgeon had told me that the excised mass appeared to have some malignancy and he would await the histopathological report of the same for the further course of treatment.
The report arrived. As I opened it anxiously, I was hoping for it to be anything other than the two words 'Glioblastoma Multiforme'. But the report contained them. It was Glioblastoma Multiforme, grade IV brain cancer with a dismal prognosis and a median survival of about 14 months with radiotherapy and chemotherapy. Though the tumour was completely removed surgically, it will recur in some time no matter what. Some people make even 6 or 7 years. But then the normal distribution of survival rates speaks for itself. He had no significant medical history before this. He is a teetotaler and a vegetarian. But still! After receiving the report that night, I travelled to Bangalore to report at work. I didn't sleep even for a single minute.
---
The Purpose
Now you could wonder where this post is heading. No, this is not one more post to explicitly preach other people about the lessons that one has learnt through his suffering. Nor is this a post to say that I'm through a lot of pain and make people sympathetic towards me. I intend to explain how I'm doing and handling this, the effects this episode is having on me and the way my thoughts are shaped. So firstly it could help my friends to know about what’s up with me as I have ceased to talk regularly to most of them. Secondly, it could help someone who reads to get through a rough patch in their life. I was wondering for a while, whether I should write this and share. But I'm someone who is of the opinion that history isn't written to know about the past but to help people build a better future by learning about the past. So I decided to pen this down and share it.
---
Current Update
He had completed six weeks of radiotherapy and concomitant chemotherapy by the end of March. But we weren't able to take him off a steroid which is used to reduce the brain swelling. So we had an MRI again in the middle of May. It revealed another bigger lump in the tumour location. The possibilities were that it was either tumour recurrence or radiation necrosis and an MRI cannot differentiate between both. We were told that he had probably few weeks left if it was tumour recurrence and had chances to get better if it was radiation necrosis. I decided to wait and watch as in both cases the daily dose of drugs is going to be same and also the advanced scan facilities to differentiate it was not available in Chennai. After three weeks he got better indicating that it is possibly radiation necrosis only. The steroid was reduced again as it has a lot of side effects. As of now due to the mass effect in the brain, he has a very slurred speech and growing weakness. I'm happy that he is still there and the remote possibility that he has chances to survive for a longer time is not ruled out.
---
Suffering is universal
I cannot say that I'm suffering a lot because of this. Also, it is worth noting that it is my father who is suffering! I realise that there a tonne of people who go through a lot of suffering and pain than me. So I don't complain or question why it had happened to my father. That is not going to make me feel any better anyways. It happens! I accept it. Yeah, it’s tough! But I don't have an option out. I need to go through this and let me face it. I read somewhere that in such situations all that you can control is only your response! So I see to it that my father gets the best treatment, care and support. I try not to think much beyond this, as it is out my control. The fact that I had an H1N1 viral infection after a business trip in February and recurrent bacterial infections due to weakened immune system after the bout of swine flu make it bit tougher for me handle this. But I feel that I'm doing fine and okay. I'm not good, and I cannot be for obvious reasons. And I don't feel bad about it. It’s tricky. I try to be as normal as possible.
---
To pray or not to pray.
Our neurosurgeon told me that I should pray to God that the tumour doesn't recur again. It was ironical since people who got treated by him call him God for his dedication and service. As I had seen for myself he saves a life every other day. However, my confusion was different. For the last few years, I had not been very religious. Should I become religious now and pray to God that he should save my fathers’ life?
The answer is quite long. I always have felt that I shouldn't abhor religions without understanding them. I see religions more as a solution for the harmonious living of humanity. I understand that the core of almost every religion touches upon the following. Firstly they say that you got to be humble regardless of the extent of success and power you have because most of it is not fully attributable to you. Secondly, to respect fellow human beings from all walks of life. Third, spend as much time as possible with your family, community and lead a quality life. Fourth, help others to the maximum extent possible. I feel that these days few people just try to make a crap out of the loopholes of the religions than to enshrine these basic qualities in our life.
So, for the last few years I had tried to be as humble as possible, respect every human being as much as possible, did donate a fair amount of what I earned for few causes and was open to help others. Note the word tried! I didn't pray for my well-being or fall in the clutches of the religion or spirituality as I thought that the primary end points of them are nothing but what I intend to do.
'But should I start praying now as others suggest? Will it help? Will God cure my father if I pray to him? Doesn't praying give you a purpose and hope?' These questions had occupied my mind for quite a while. But then I decided not to pray even now. Let me keep trying to stay humble, respect everyone and treat them well, help others and take good care of my family, regardless of my situation. I’m holding my theories on religions intact. Only this makes sense to me. But I'm not opposed to others praying. It is their option.
---
Bids Specialist and what is the point?
I currently work as a bids and proposals specialist. I help my company bid for the various new projects coming up in the industry sector and procure them as much as possible. The market in India isn't catching up, and there is a lot of pressure. With a struggle for a life on one hand and new projects in the other, I used to head to 'What is the point of all this?' moment numerous times at work. It was very confusing. My question was not about the economic benefit but in such work itself which seems to stress people a lot. But again it made sense to me. I witness the advances that we have achieved in the field of medicine and the number of lives we save because of that. I realised that innovations in the medicine could happen if only some incentive prevailed for innovation in any and every field. We might have to sweat it out to save ourselves.
---
Blessing in disguise
My mother told me before few weeks that one of the not so close friends of my Father commented to her that he wouldn't have been worried if he had that disease and felt that it should have come to him than my father. It is not so easy to pull off such a comment from someone. He has earned a lot of people like this, and the support they are extending is beyond. The friends and relatives are so kind and helpful that my family feels real better even in this situation.
So is the fact that I was given a proper Bangalore-based job a few months back and could travel to home almost every weekend, unlike the commissioning profile which required me to stay away from home for months. I'm also grateful for the support that my superiors extend to me in my job. They even relocated to me to their Chennai facility for six weeks when my father was undergoing radiotherapy. I’m glad that I’m there for him. I don’t know why, but I have a positive vibe that he will be normal soon. Not to forget that I'm prepared for the worst as well.
--
An Inspiration
I have not told much about my father in this post. Also, I intend not to. However, in this crisis he had impressed me with the courage he has shown. He is so confident that he is okay and normal. I don't know how he manages to do that. He never resisted any treatment and hardly interferes in the planned treatment course by leaving it in my hands. Let me try to learn from that because if I get a simple bacterial infection, I freak out. You are an inspiration Appa; please gather all your courage to stay with us for a longer time.
--
So how do I feel about myself now? I'm born without any deficits, I have a lot of people who care for me, and I might not have to struggle for my next meal in the foreseeable future, positively. So I feel that I'm blessed and gifted. (However) This too shall pass.
PS: No I'm not Perfect. I have not changed much. I have my flaws.
Update: My father breathed his last on the night of 13th November 2015, succumbing to uncontrollable tumour progress. A quote of Samuel Beckett has helped me move forward since then.
"I can't go on, I will go on."
Karthik Selva
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteYour words felt like I am seeing the situation. Don't have much to say on that. Loved those lines "Let me keep trying to stay humble, respect everyone and treat them well, help others and take good care of my family, regardless of my situation. "
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