Ghazal

Venba wouldn’t give in easily no matter what. Barely five years old, her logic was astounding. This was both a pain and pleasure for her mother, Seetha. When Venba had a no-nonsense approach to anything, it was difficult for Seetha to talk her out of something like you do to any other kid.

The town of Nagercoil, few miles away from Kanyakumari, the southern tip of India’s vast landmass was waking up to a rainy Monday morning. The district administration had declared a holiday for the schools and institutions on account of the copious rainfall that has been constant for the last couple of days. Both Venba and Seetha liked these surprise holidays as it gave the respite from their routine. Seetha earned the living as an Associate Professor on evolutionary biology.

Seetha tried waking Venba up, but she couldn’t argue against Venba's logic of, ‘It’s a holiday after all!’

‘If you wake up now, we are starting the movie marathon we have been planning for long’, Seetha threw a surprise. This was more than enough to get Venba to jump out of bed excitingly.

                                                                            - - - -  

Ghazal, an ever-curious yet calm, six-year-old girl, lived up to her name. Blessed with a sweet voice, her renditions of Bollywood and Sufi music were pleasurable to listen to. She had her fan following in the school and the neighborhood. Despite repeated advice to get her content live on YouTube, her mother Aisha had always insisted that there was no need to make her a sensation. Aisha, a great singer herself, never used to sing outside her family. She was teaching Maths in the only government school of Baramulla, one of the beautiful yet tense towns of Kashmir valley.

The schools and institutes were asked to shut down till further orders on the direction of the central government of India. The news in the air was that the central government was about to make some serious moves against Kashmir’s autonomy. This wasn’t just another Monday morning.
Aisha went up to Ghazal and started singing a melody to wake her up, a routine that she has been following for years now.

                                                                           - - -

Seetha and Venba quickly finished their breakfast and started their movie marathon with ‘Pattinathi Bootham’ a Tamil classical fantasy. Halfway through their movie, they could hear nothing but a serious of loud firecrackers bursting outside. They lived nearby the district office of the party that helms the central government of India. Seetha paused the movie and quickly tuned in to the television.

‘Govt. to revoke Art. 370 & 35A. J&K to be bifurcated into two union territories’, the news flash beamed. She was engrossed and absorbed in the news. This was surprising for Venba.

‘What’s this about?’ Venba tried to reason.

‘Nothing. Just keep watching the movie’, Seetha resumed the movie for Venba and slowly walked to the drawing-room.

Seetha went close inside the drawing room and looked deep into the picture of a proud Saravanan in his military uniform, framed in the wall, hanging still. She closed her eyes and just leaned on the wall below the photo frame.

                                                                            - - -

Aisha and Ghazal were used to these unusual holidays. Their fall back plans on such occasions were an informal musical retreat where Aisha teaches Ghazal her favorites. As they were immersing themselves into it, they could hear some gunshots and people shouting in the streets. Aisha quickly closed the door and rushed to her window.

‘They have cheated us. Who are we? Just Fools’ a man was running amok shouting.

‘So you all wanted the special status? We are not even a state anymore! Kashmir and Ladakh will be two new Union Territories’ another man was crying and shouting to everyone in the street.

Aisha pulled the window down and looked at Ghazal who was visibly confused and innocently asking what was happening.

‘Nothing. Let’s get back to the room’ Aisha kept it short.

As she turned back, she couldn’t help but look at the picture frame of Faizal Ahmed, hanging right in front of her in the wall, candidly smiling and looking at her. She stood still and kept looking at the picture deeply as Ghazal walked slowly to the room.

                                                                                  - - -

Thunderstorms were gaining pace in Nagercoil. Though it has been raining heavily for a while now, these strong thunders were an unexpected addition. If there is something that could scare Venba, that’s thunders. However, she kept herself busy with the movie as Seetha was spending some still moments in the room. With a very loud thunder the electric power went off in a flash and there was barely any light.

‘Ammaaaa’ Venba shouted. Seetha rushed to the hall. Venba just ran up to Seetha and hugged her legs. Seetha slowly lifted Venba and embraced her in the arms and hugged her tight.

                                                                                    - - -

More people started to occupy the streets of Baramulla. There were loud slogans, sounds of army vehicles, some shattering windows and most of all intense noise of gun explosions.

This took Aisha out of the deep gaze into the picture of Faizal Ahmed. She walked up to the hall and looked for Ghazal. Ghazal has retreated to a corner of a hall, closing her eyes and also her ears strongly with her hands.

Aisha walked up to her, took her in the arms as Ghazal slowly opened her eyes and hugged her tight. Aisha started to kiss her on the cheeks and forehead.
                                                                        
            - - -
‘Everything will be fine. I’m with you’ Seetha and Aisha whispered in the ears of their daughters in unison.

The electric power resumed in Nagercoil.

‘The second half of the movie was the one I loved so much when I watched Pattanathil Bootham as a kid. You are going to enjoy it’, Seetha resumed the movie as she sat on the sofa, holding Venba in her lap.

Aisha held Ghazal in her arms and walked out of the corner as she started singing loudly. 

Ghazal filled the air.




Karthik Selva

This too shall pass

Sometimes I used to ponder about who is gifted or blessed in this world. Given the diversity of the stakes involved in this question, it was not easy for me to arrive at a convincing answer for a while. Then I came up with my answer. If someone is born healthy without any deficits, has some people who care about them and needn’t struggle every day for the next meal, in the foreseeable future then I thought they were gifted and blessed. I felt better that I was gifted and blessed in this world. I accept the fact that my view could be disputed, but it made sense to me.

---

I was back from a long-planned retreat to Goa with some of my close friends. It was very refreshing. The harvesting festival Pongal was a few days away. I had not made it back home at Ariyalur for both Pongal and Diwali last year.

 I headed to my home with a lot of excitement. Since I had arrived at my home on the morning of Pongal, the day passed in a hurry. Back home my mother complained to me that my father doesn't seem to rest at all even after retiring from his regular work. I told him that this is the time for him to witness the fruits of his lifelong labour and insisted that he makes a lot of time for himself and sit back and relax.

After a while, he told me that he seems to have some trouble usually speaking for the last few days. Having watched him speak for an entire day, I couldn't see any difference in his speech. But I insisted that we go to Trichy and check with some specialist. He told me that he had already fixed an appointment with a doctor on Monday due to unavailability during the festive time and suggested that I travelled back to Bangalore and assured me that he would take care. I got back to Bangalore on a Sunday night.

After getting back from work on Monday, I dialled to my father. It was my mother who attended it. She revealed to me that his speech started slurring that morning and our physician has referred him to a neurologist. She told me that the MRI of the brain revealed a lump in the brain and he had been referred to a senior neurosurgeon in Trichy. She cried to me saying that my father has helped a lot of people all through his life and nothing bad is going to happen to him.

---

28th January 2015

The receptionist at a diagnostic centre in Trichy informed me that it would take half an hour to get the report. Just six days after the open skull surgery to remove the lump totally, my father had recovered very well. That fact that he didn’t have any deficits due to the surgery when he had a potential risk of losing his speech or getting paralysed made me happier. But still, I was nervous. The neurosurgeon had told me that the excised mass appeared to have some malignancy and he would await the histopathological report of the same for the further course of treatment.

The report arrived. As I opened it anxiously, I was hoping for it to be anything other than the two words 'Glioblastoma Multiforme'. But the report contained them. It was Glioblastoma Multiforme, grade IV brain cancer with a dismal prognosis and a median survival of about 14 months with radiotherapy and chemotherapy. Though the tumour was completely removed surgically, it will recur in some time no matter what. Some people make even 6 or 7 years. But then the normal distribution of survival rates speaks for itself. He had no significant medical history before this. He is a teetotaler and a vegetarian. But still! After receiving the report that night, I travelled to Bangalore to report at work. I didn't sleep even for a single minute.

---

The Purpose

Now you could wonder where this post is heading. No, this is not one more post to explicitly preach other people about the lessons that one has learnt through his suffering. Nor is this a post to say that I'm through a lot of pain and make people sympathetic towards me. I intend to explain how I'm doing and handling this, the effects this episode is having on me and the way my thoughts are shaped. So firstly it could help my friends to know about what’s up with me as I have ceased to talk regularly to most of them. Secondly, it could help someone who reads to get through a rough patch in their life. I was wondering for a while, whether I should write this and share. But I'm someone who is of the opinion that history isn't written to know about the past but to help people build a better future by learning about the past. So I decided to pen this down and share it.

---

Current Update

He had completed six weeks of radiotherapy and concomitant chemotherapy by the end of March. But we weren't able to take him off a steroid which is used to reduce the brain swelling. So we had an MRI again in the middle of May. It revealed another bigger lump in the tumour location. The possibilities were that it was either tumour recurrence or radiation necrosis and an MRI cannot differentiate between both. We were told that he had probably few weeks left if it was tumour recurrence and had chances to get better if it was radiation necrosis. I decided to wait and watch as in both cases the daily dose of drugs is going to be same and also the advanced scan facilities to differentiate it was not available in Chennai. After three weeks he got better indicating that it is possibly radiation necrosis only. The steroid was reduced again as it has a lot of side effects. As of now due to the mass effect in the brain, he has a very slurred speech and growing weakness. I'm happy that he is still there and the remote possibility that he has chances to survive for a longer time is not ruled out.

---

Suffering is universal

I cannot say that I'm suffering a lot because of this. Also, it is worth noting that it is my father who is suffering! I realise that there a tonne of people who go through a lot of suffering and pain than me. So I don't complain or question why it had happened to my father. That is not going to make me feel any better anyways. It happens! I accept it. Yeah, it’s tough! But I don't have an option out. I need to go through this and let me face it. I read somewhere that in such situations all that you can control is only your response! So I see to it that my father gets the best treatment, care and support. I try not to think much beyond this, as it is out my control. The fact that I had an H1N1 viral infection after a business trip in February and recurrent bacterial infections due to weakened immune system after the bout of swine flu make it bit tougher for me handle this. But I feel that I'm doing fine and okay. I'm not good, and I cannot be for obvious reasons. And I don't feel bad about it. It’s tricky. I try to be as normal as possible.

---

To pray or not to pray.

Our neurosurgeon told me that I should pray to God that the tumour doesn't recur again. It was ironical since people who got treated by him call him God for his dedication and service. As I had seen for myself he saves a life every other day. However, my confusion was different. For the last few years, I had not been very religious. Should I become religious now and pray to God that he should save my fathers’ life?

The answer is quite long. I always have felt that I shouldn't abhor religions without understanding them. I see religions more as a solution for the harmonious living of humanity. I understand that the core of almost every religion touches upon the following. Firstly they say that you got to be humble regardless of the extent of success and power you have because most of it is not fully attributable to you. Secondly, to respect fellow human beings from all walks of life. Third, spend as much time as possible with your family, community and lead a quality life. Fourth, help others to the maximum extent possible. I feel that these days few people just try to make a crap out of the loopholes of the religions than to enshrine these basic qualities in our life.

So, for the last few years I had tried to be as humble as possible, respect every human being as much as possible, did donate a fair amount of what I earned for few causes and was open to help others. Note the word tried! I didn't pray for my well-being or fall in the clutches of the religion or spirituality as I thought that the primary end points of them are nothing but what I intend to do.

'But should I start praying now as others suggest? Will it help? Will God cure my father if I pray to him? Doesn't praying give you a purpose and hope?' These questions had occupied my mind for quite a while. But then I decided not to pray even now. Let me keep trying to stay humble, respect everyone and treat them well, help others and take good care of my family, regardless of my situation. I’m holding my theories on religions intact. Only this makes sense to me. But I'm not opposed to others praying. It is their option.

---

Bids Specialist and what is the point?

I currently work as a bids and proposals specialist. I help my company bid for the various new projects coming up in the industry sector and procure them as much as possible. The market in India isn't catching up, and there is a lot of pressure. With a struggle for a life on one hand and new projects in the other, I used to head to 'What is the point of all this?' moment numerous times at work. It was very confusing. My question was not about the economic benefit but in such work itself which seems to stress people a lot. But again it made sense to me. I witness the advances that we have achieved in the field of medicine and the number of lives we save because of that. I realised that innovations in the medicine could happen if only some incentive prevailed for innovation in any and every field. We might have to sweat it out to save ourselves.

---

Blessing in disguise

My mother told me before few weeks that one of the not so close friends of my Father commented to her that he wouldn't have been worried if he had that disease and felt that it should have come to him than my father. It is not so easy to pull off such a comment from someone. He has earned a lot of people like this, and the support they are extending is beyond. The friends and relatives are so kind and helpful that my family feels real better even in this situation.

So is the fact that I was given a proper Bangalore-based job a few months back and could travel to home almost every weekend, unlike the commissioning profile which required me to stay away from home for months. I'm also grateful for the support that my superiors extend to me in my job. They even relocated to me to their Chennai facility for six weeks when my father was undergoing radiotherapy. I’m glad that I’m there for him. I don’t know why, but I have a positive vibe that he will be normal soon. Not to forget that I'm prepared for the worst as well.

--

An Inspiration

I have not told much about my father in this post. Also, I intend not to. However, in this crisis he had impressed me with the courage he has shown. He is so confident that he is okay and normal. I don't know how he manages to do that. He never resisted any treatment and hardly interferes in the planned treatment course by leaving it in my hands. Let me try to learn from that because if I get a simple bacterial infection, I freak out. You are an inspiration Appa; please gather all your courage to stay with us for a longer time.

--

So how do I feel about myself now? I'm born without any deficits, I have a lot of people who care for me, and I might not have to struggle for my next meal in the foreseeable future, positively. So I feel that I'm blessed and gifted. (However) This too shall pass.

PS: No I'm not Perfect. I have not changed much. I have my flaws.

Update: My father breathed his last on the night of 13th November 2015, succumbing to uncontrollable tumour progress. A quote of Samuel Beckett has helped me move forward since then. 

"I can't go on, I will go on."

Karthik Selva

Talks-2

It was a gloomy Sunday evening! It was me and my good friend bitching about each other’s work load ahead that upcoming week.

‘Ramesh Kjeriwal on fire! This time he exposes BCA president’s alleged illegal mining scam. After the break’, the idiot box screamed.

‘He has gone mad! What does he think of himself?  ‘I shouted out of frustration suddenly.

‘Why are you getting so frustrated at him?’ he asked patiently.

‘I just don’t know. He thinks himself as a rebel or what? He is none but one among us!’ I vented off my anger.

‘Hmmm. So what do you know about him? ’, he said as if I speak for no reason!

‘He is an IITian and was in some civil services for some time and then he was working with some NGO’, I paused.

 ‘So did you think that I’m such a nonsense who complains without even knowing about him?’  I said teasingly to manifest that I don’t speak baselessly!

‘Good that you know all about him. And no! I dint think that you were unhappy without even knowing anything about him’. He paused.

‘But I just wonder why you cannot appreciate when someone selflessly fights for the welfare of us. Why can’t you spare few glitches with him even after knowing so much about him? It is the need of the hour after all’ He sounded serious.

‘Why should I appreciate him? It is my personal distaste! But why are you so much into me and Kjeriwal?’ I was little angry

‘I completely agree with you! It is your personal opinion. But I’m not so much bothered about Kjeriwal! Leave Kjeriwal off this conversation right now! But I’m very much concerned about you, me and the very us’ He reiterated. .

‘Huh?’

‘Why don’t we appreciate things that really worth it, when we readily criticize even the most acceptable mistakes and problems? We have just become fault finders!’, he sounded worried.

‘I don’t think so! We also appreciate when it is needed!’, I objected him.

‘When it is needed? Really? It is not about appreciating Ashwin for his all rounded performance and Katrina for her all innovative dance steps! Things are much beyond that! I don’t tend to stereotype everyone the same way. But I find this problem more prevalent among us. Not only with us! Even with media and many other organizations!’ He explained.

‘Maybe! But it is our right to criticize something when we feel it is wrong!’ I was not ready to agree with him.

‘Exactly, But when you feel that it is your right to criticize something when you feel it is wrong, what is stopping you from appreciating something when it is right and things are in place? If you feel that criticizing is your right, I feel that appreciating is the duty of any responsible citizen!’, he was certainly angry now.

‘Okay! Relax! Maybe, we didn’t get used to appreciate! But why do are taking it very seriously? I don’t think it should be given so much concern!’, I quizzed him while agreeing with him a little bit.

‘That’s because I can’t rule it out as just a reclusive ignorance, or even a misplaced obsession! It roots deep into our hormones these days that it has become more impulsive and routine to criticize anything and everything these days! I know that it is too much of accusation! But is even obstructing the growth of our country’ he said. At a moment I thought that we seem to agree finally, he just evoked me by correlating it with the growth and development.

‘ Kya bakwaas yaar! What it has to do with our growth? Don’t speak nonsense’.  I was not agreeing with him.

‘So whom do you think can save India now?’, he quizzed me.

‘Who knows? It is too late to correct something!’ I replied.

‘Well, I strongly believe that it all needs a young, selfless and charismatic leader to do the rescue if assisted by a positive and supportive mass!’ he said curiously!

‘So what?’, I laughed.

‘Wait! Being at a time where it is as tough as ever to find a young, selfless and charismatic person, this very attitude of us hardly lets us to accept such a person as a leader and follow! Also it unknowingly obstructs your thoughts as a responsible citizen. I know that it is the right of everyone to choose whom to follow and whom not to! But I’m just saddened by the fact we don’t follow the right persons and leave out the people who deserve it! What is even worse is, sometimes we are blindly not ready to follow! This evolution of attitude is certainly bad!’ he was very elaborative. I felt that he is making some sense. But, I was not able to agree completely with him.

‘But how come you say this as an evolution of attitude?’ I looked puzzled.

‘There were times when we were just docile!! Say before quite some decades or so! That was just not correct!! We freed ourselves from those shackles. We also learnt to lead. But having learnt to lead, it doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t follow people who deserve to be followed! And this very attitude stops us from doing so! I may not be completely correct! But I just feel so’

‘Yeah you are correct!’ I couldn’t help myself ceding to him, at the same time saying ‘You are too abstract to understand sometimes!’

‘Yeah I’m. I can’t help it!’, he laughed, also pulling out a gentle laugh from me.

‘Hey!  It’s time for me to leave. Cya very soon. I have got some serious work to do than this bakwaas talks!’ he laughed and left.

‘Haha. Sure! Cya soon!’ I replied as I started ‘following’ him!

P.S.: This series of my 'Talks',  is to serve as a repository of my thoughts, views and perspectives regarding few issues and so, I’m trying to bring that out through fiction. Correct me, if I'm wrong at any place.

- Karthik Selva.

Talks-1

‘I don’t give a shit about what you think’ I shouted at him.

‘Neither do I’ He replied!

‘Then why the hell do you mind when I step in to a mosque?’ I was angry.

‘Do you ever feel His existence?’ He sounded as if he was equally angry.

It was not the first occasion that me and my good friend started fighting or more precisely bitching about belief.

‘Coffee?’ I broke the ice and we occupied a comfortable table in a near by café.

‘Answer me!’ He was not ready to see me sip the coffee peacefully.

‘So everyone who believe in His existence is a fool or what?’ I reiterated.

‘Of course! You think rationally dude! You will get it!’. The reckless atheist replied.

‘First up, you please think!’ I sounded as if I was frustrated.

‘What do you mean?’ He was certainly frustrated now.

‘I mean that you are terribly wrong! It depends, dude!’ I added some fuel to fire.

‘What the fuck? Depends on what?’ He replied, annoyed.

‘Depends on every individual. Depends on everything in their lives...’ I tried to explain it out to him.

‘Speak at least a little logically’ He was certainly annoyed.

‘Well, There is something that I believe in. It's called "the staircase model". I guess it can explain things better to you da!’ I tried to vent some heat off the conversation.

‘What staircase has to do with here?’

‘Like I said, it just serves as an analogy here!’ I was confusing him even more.

‘Dude, don’t talk random shit! Get to the point!!’ He annoyed me like anything with this

‘Please let me explain. Can you please be a little patient?’ I shouted at him.

‘Chill.. Go ahead!’ He finally showed some patience.

‘See, consider the variety of people who take the stairs. Their dependence on its hand rail serves as an analogy for different peoples’ belief on God!!’ I started explaining myself.

‘Huh? Explain da!’

‘Well, consider the staircase to be the life you live and the associated handrail as God or more specifically, the belief on Him’

'Okkkaayyy?'

‘So consider an energetic youngster like you who is taking the staircase, you don’t really need the assistance of the handrail, and you guys don’t give a damn about it! Well the energetic youngsters in my model refers to the people who are really strong either mentally or economically or are very skilled and can proceed with their life without any assistance. So they don’t believe in God!’  I stopped being a little happy, as I had finally managed to make him listen to me, atleast for sometime.

'Then why does this energetic youngster seek out to it??' He asked, pointing me out, being happy ( revenge :P), thinking he had cornered me!

‘Well, for a super safe journey and to give some support and prevent me from stumbling, as I progress.’ I comfortably countered him.

‘But this world has quite a lot of people who are not energetic youngsters? What about them?’ He was not ready to give up.

‘I do agree that quite a lot of people other than youngsters take the stairs. Let me finish...’ I replied.

‘Go ahead’ He smiled.

‘Consider quite an old guy, or a differently abled guy. They need something to bank on as they climb the staircase and they seek it! So, I think the poor people or the people who are bit weak either economically, mentally or as in regard with the skills, need something to bank on to move ahead. Specifically, something which gives them confidence and keeps their hopes alive. God serves as a source of confidence and becomes the only hope for them’ I finished.

‘Mmmm..’ He seemed to be agreeing with me.

‘You know what the beauty is, quite a few people who don't seek the handrail normally, automatically extend their hands towards it if they stumble somewhere and also when a treacherous path is ahead of them..’ I added some more lustre to my theory.

‘Ok, why are you getting so angry and serious when I question you about your belief on Him?' He finally asked something which he was ought to ask aeons before!

‘Well, Seeking the handrail is completely upto me!! Who the heck are you to dictate things to me and to others? Why should anyone dictate terms to others? Do you love being dictated? Just because YOU don’t see something, it is not ethical or even logical to question its very existence. Someone somewhere needs it!! Similarly someone who needs that has no right to dictate you guys to use it!’ I ended.

‘Well, I’m sort of confused!’ He nodded unusually.

‘Free!, Chill out! Its time for us to leave’ I said as I dropped a tip to the bearer.

‘What about going to the Mosque?’ I tried to pull off some words from his mouth!

‘I don’t give a shit about you right now and I never will!’ He smiled at me.

And we proceeded to the nearby Mosque!

P.S.: This series of my 'Talks', starting with this, is to serve as a repository of my thoughts, view and perspectives regarding few issues and so, I’m trying to bring that out through fiction. Correct me, if I'm wrong at any place.

- Karthik Selva.

மோதல் கவிதை!!

A kavidhai update after quite some time :).. I penned this down in my fifth semester, keeping a situation in my mind, which i ve mentioned in the post script and also inspired by the words ' kan thaakudhe' of na.muthukumar.. It is supposed to be lil funny! Give ur feedback after reading :P

கருவிழி உன் வழி!

நனைகிறேன் இமை வழி!! 

ஆயிரம் கண்கள் கொண்டு

உனை நான் பார்க்க..

ஏதோ ஆயிரத்தில் ஒருவனாய்

எனை நீ நோக்க.. 

பள்ளி விட்ட குழந்தையாய்..

துள்ளி வந்தேன் நானே!

தள்ளி விட்ட குழந்தையாய்

திரும்பிச் சென்றேன் நானே!! 

சிரித்துவிட்டு முறைத்தவளே!

முறைத்துவிட்டு சிரித்த்திருக்க கூடாதா?? 

கை தொட்டுவிட்டு விட்டவளே..

விட்டுவிட்டு தொட்டிருக்க கூடாதா?? 

மனம் தளராதே- நாடி சொன்னது..

எனை வளர்க்காதே- தாடி சொன்னது!!! 

விட்டுவிட விழைந்தாலும்..

என் கண்கள் உனை பார்க்குதே

உன் கண்கள் எனை தாக்குதே!! 

P.S: காரி துப்பிட்டா மச்சான்!! :P

-கார்த்திக் செல்வா..

Expecting the unexpected.. :)

Once I was casually speaking with one of my friends randomly for hours. Suddenly he asked “You know what’s special about me?”

Even before I intended to ask him what it was, He told “I never expect anything from my friends!” Even at that instant he was expecting something which is much unexpected from me!! To believe him!! I couldn’t help myself laughing on hearing that.  Wouldn’t you laugh so when someone first tells that he is no fool and at the next instant affirming that he is none but a fool! (Tried an analogy :P).

    It left an impression with me. We are all used to the day old forwards which lament that a true relation or friendship is the one without any expectations!! And we still bank on this. How tragic??

So people always say that they don’t expect anything, Really don’t they expect anything??

       Don’t you check your mobile twice or thrice for some text even after the exchanging mutual gud nites with your wanna be love or seems to be friend replying machine!  Varatchi!!

       Don’t you look for a C or B grade in your result page, even if you had not given your exam well!  I could list 100 mokka examples like this. But to retain you visting my blog in future, let me stop with this two!

      But what’s strange is that we say we don’t expect anything but we keep expecting something which is UNEXPECTED! Don’t you always expect something unexpected to happen in your life that will eventually upturn your life?? There could be no good denial to this question by anyone who survives in this world!

But still we hardly accept our mistakes or even reveal the reality!!

Though a cliché goes ‘ Expectation hurts!’, do we stop expecting?? Never!

Isn’t it the deterred expectations which push you forward in your life??

Can you spend even a day without expecting something unexpected??

There is no part of life without any expectation for unexpected things!!

Thumbs up for expecting the unexpected in life J, though I certainly don’t expect any likes for the link in my fb wall or some +1s right below!!

- Karthik Selva.. 

Beep

           The morning fog of the winter was almost freezing my fingers. Slightest rays which the sun was able to make then had least to do with the weather at that time. The creeping sparrows over me made it feel like an unseen paradise in that industrial town. The all polluting gases from the cement factories around me did no harm to my breath of all fresh air. The lush of few green fields on the sides of the road was complementing it. The numbers of colonial cousins wavering ‘dheemtha dheemtha dherana’  in my music player  gave me the best company I could get there. The warmth of the coffee I had some time before in a roadside shop made that moment complete, where the taste it instilled sometime before, lingered even then on my tongue! The depression of a recently strained relationship and the bullying semester results which was expected to burst anytime in near future had abruptly vanished from my mind and nothing could stop me enjoying that very small and even silly, beautiful  moment. It was Karthik, walking through the sides of NH227 in Ariyalur in the late early morning.

‘So, what else could be better in this world than this early morning lonely walk in this no occupied road with a sip of hot coffee??’ My mind read.

‘Maybe a late night, sizzling bike ride across the same road’, I thought.  Eventually, these are the only two things I do regularly whenever I’m back home for weekends and vacations.  I love engulfing myself in joy these very small things fetches me, though many feel that these things don’t matter much. Anyway, I don’t give a damn about others! For me, all which brings the happiness are these small and silly things around me. The small occasional delights like these embraced my seemingly carefree life.

“ Gud morn!  jus woke up :).. Wassup? The same Walk huh??”, the text from Deepika beeped.

Struggling to read such a long good morning message, I was little amazed that only girls could convey so many contrasting things in a single text eventually confusing us always!!

‘yea :).. In gods own paradise!!’  I replied.

‘u r sick! U really need help :D. Y do ya bother so much about des simple things?’ She read. Really a girl could turn any good moment of you a regretting one and in the other way it works too!! I really didn't want the former one to happen!

‘Shut up! U ll get to know only wen u feel it.’ I tried to explicate to that bully.

‘Hmmm. Well.. So wat else makes Karthik all happy as dis?? J’ She seemed pleasant. That also partly explained to me that there was no other to hang out with, this early morning and she gotta bear with me. Honestly, it was she who is helping me out with some relieved moments and helping me to take some time off from my past.

‘ma best friend hugging me, playing with a cute kid like a kid! presenting a gift!!  ’ I said cheerfully.

‘ Oh! Then??’ She sounded bit sarcastic!

‘Sporting in Drizzle,  A long journey!!.. Wat s better than al dis in d world??’ I asserted firmly again.

‘nice :).. But still I don’t give a damn abt al des!’ She said.  Since the conversation was going nowhere, I ostensibly diverted the topic and made it quite interesting to her. In the mean time I was back at my home. Rest of the day passed with the grace of facebook and the company of Deepika, who seemed very attached to me. The day was also filled with occasional sarcastic phrases from my mom eventually meaning ‘ Dhendasoru’ for wasting the vacation at home. All I was looking all day, was for the late night to come so that I can go for a sizzling bike ride( certainly after my father sleeps!).. Eventually, the ride of the day was all perfect.

The next day started as usual with the morning walk, but I missed the texts from Deepika. I thought she would be busy! I reached my home at 7.30 am and I rested for a while and had my breakfast. I casually logged on into facebook with a cheesy expectation of fetching some 10 likes for a lame stolen status I posted last night!! I was taken aback by the first newsfeed on my facebook page , before  checking my notifications.

“ Venkatesh Ramanujam and 23 other friends wrote on Deepika Ramanan’s wall on her birthday today” It went.

Shit… I forgot her birthday. I was scolding myself with all possible words, my mouth could pull then.  I rushed to my mobile which was on the table and called her up. All I could hear was the recorded voice creeping that ‘the subscriber is not responding to your call’, even after trying umpteen times. Wasting no time I texted wishing her and apologized for wishing late.

‘ So u forgot ma bday rite Karthik??  She sounded feeble.

‘ I'm really sorry Deepika..’ I was really helpless but frank.

‘ U r rite da. Sometimes small things matter a lot!’ Her text delineated the hurt to me.

‘Don’t speak with me today pls. Leave me alone!’ Her aftermath message read even before I started typing my reply.

‘ I'm really sorry deepika.. I'm  really feeling guilty. As u wish I won't disturb u today. Happy bday again..’ I was trying to be genuine. There was no reply from her. Feeling angry with myself I threw my phone off and was sitting helplessly for forgetting her birthday. The rest of the day was disastrous and I was shouting at my mom even for small things and was just feeling somewhat which made me feel the pain of regret again.

      It was 10.30 pm and still I was not normal as she didn't reply to any of my messages all the day. I exorbitantly decided to go for the usual bike ride to feel some better. This is where I made the second mistake of the day as I slipped from my bike just after my home, as I was turning abruptly to avoid a stray dog. Sustaining few scratches, I screamed and my neighbor helped me out and accompanied to my home, also dropping my bike. Though I sustained only very minimal scratches I was more worried to hear my father berating me for the mess up.

As I expected my father started scolding me like anything as if it was a much-awaited opportunity for him. My worried mom helped me out with some cotton and an ointment. As my father seemed not stopping, I shouted at him that I could not do anything about it and I angrily left to my room. Regretting the whole day, I dressed up myself and went to bed. I couldn’t sleep.

‘It wasn’t my day’ I thought.

‘Why do these small things matter so much??’  I questioned myself. I decided not to bank on the pleasure of these silly things anymore. I was just contemplating how the next day will be. I was down and depressed. In a while, I heard the footsteps of my parents approaching my room and I pretended asleep. My mother opened the half closed door and switched on the light.

‘ He has slept’, my father told my mom.

‘ You scolded him too much’ my mom said worryingly as my father left the room.

I never thought that in next few moments I would be all relieved!. My mom came next to me and adjusted my quilt. Thinking I was asleep she kissed on my forehead. I was speechless. As she left the room I couldn’t help myself saying ‘ Love you Amma !’ The moment was complete again!.

‘Really, small things like this matter a lot! What will feel better in this world than ur mom kissing u when you are asleep!’ I thought cheerfully.

“ Really sorry for being harsh today. I really…………...” the text from Deepika beeped! Let me read the whole message!

-Karthik Selva.

மேகத்துள் ஒளிந்த நிலவு- Feel of the lost love..

நிலவே..
மேகத்துள் ஒளிந்து கொண்ட நிலவே..

பௌர்ணமி ஒரு தினம் நான் பார்க்க
துடிக்கிறேன் என்று..

நித்தம் மேகத்துள் ஒளிதல் தகுமோ??

உன் கரைகளுக்காக வருந்தும் உனக்கு..
மீதம் முழுதும் வெளிச்சம் என தெரியவில்லையா??

அவ்வெளிச்சம் இன்றி என்
வாழ்வில்லை என புரியவில்லையா??

ஒளிதல் எனக்கு மட்டும் தானா??

மேகம் என்மேல் மட்டும் தானா??

நிலவே சீக்கிரம் வெளியே வந்துவிடு..

'உன் ஒளியில் எழுதும்
என் கவிதை
பாதியில் நிற்கிறது'!!


-கார்த்திக் செல்வா..

21G

’’It was a brisk sunny morning, attired in a neat formal outfit, I was standing  one among a fairy herd in Kathipara. I cursed my troubling 180 cc bike which made me wait here and the quickly elapsing office time pissed me a bit. This research engineer of CRLI had no moments to spare then. It was 9 am already and I need to report within 9.30. May be I could have been a software professional, I thought , where I would have got a flexible working time. But certainly I have no patience to spit pages and pages of codes infront of the stupid machine.

    As I looked down, a 21 G approaching us gave me a sense of relief. In no time it stopped, I  rushed into the already packed stupid bus  and managed a foothold in stairs. As 21 G started off with a jerk as the conductor whistled just next to my ears, I could not help myself shouting at him, pulling off few pleasant words in Chennai senthamil from him.  Controlling myself I rolled on my eyes over the people inside and as any other typical bus story my eyes fixed at a girl and of course as any other bus story she was beautiful. I took a pause and gazed at her again. Being an engineer in a PSU I could not help my eyes creeping into every possible worth looking girls it comes across. She was only few feet away from me, seated next to window in the second row down me.

     It was vivid seeing her that she was on her way to office. And one thing for which I'm very grateful to MTC  was for marking left half as the ladies berth which attracts a fair amount of travellers in stairs and even more number of people in the bus stops!. Suddenly the devil in me told that, man you are missing all this on your way to office daily. Failing to take off the gaze from her my eyes blinked in unison with my mind. As she engaged herself in a conversation with the girl next to her, nothing interrupted me except a few stops where I got down  leaving way for the passengers and was back on track as soon as possible. And as any other typical bus story my instinct told me that she may be my girl and again my eyes blinked in unison with it. I exorbitantly decided to take some time off from my 180 cc and dedicate some unfeigned time in 21G. She seemed showing no interest about the passing by stops which assured me some nice gazes till CLRI. ‘ CLRI, kotturpuram’, the shout brought my senses back and I moved out of the bus though my eyes were glued into her as far as it could.

         The next day as just another story I was well before in time and as every bus passed by, I started checking the windows searching her before the number of the bus i needed to take. And finally found the 21G of the day with her seated in the same place. I rushed in occupied my position of percipient view. And today glued eyes were retreated with a despised frown from her. Feeling quiet ashamed, I took eyes off from her though my heart sizzled to know about her. As days rolled on she got quite used to it and stayed indifferent to all my valiant efforts to attract her. Everyday she was well seated and it amazed me that how come she is getting seated comfortably always in a jam packed stupid bus. Though its been a fortnight then I had no clue about her whereabouts. Also I could never find her in my way back to home, may be due to our unmatching  office hours. Finally one day the indolent ticketing of MTC buses came to my rescue. When I just got into the 21G of the day, I saw her giving few coins to the fellow next to her to get her ticket from the conductor next to me. As it passed on to me with a whisper ‘ oru mylapore tank’ I could not control myself giggling and turning to the conductor ‘ oru mylapore tank’. Finally I found that mylapore tank was her stop and the devil in me instantly started working. I decided to meet her the next day when she gets down in mylapore tank , wishing not to wait anymore and moved onto a fictional world where I could hear only the loud songs of Yuvan creeping into my ears!!

         The next 22 hours the only thing that flashed in my mind was my well prepared intro to tell her and every possible thing to please her as she knew that im hitting on her.’ Hi, im…. Im from… I work as… I really….. you are so…’ , I was just constructing all these for hours.. Finally the next day morning I gave life to m y 180 cc and almost flew to mylapore tank in no time. I waited for the 21G of the day to see her getting down and meet her, playing rhythms of my crafted intro in my mind. 

         After 20 minutes or so, Yes, there she was in the 21G of the day. My heart beat rose exponentially and as the bus stopped I could see her moving slowly to the stairs. But it all lasted only for a while. The rhythms playing through my mind stopped abruptly. It was all because of what I witnessd then.. She stumbled and stammered as she got down the stairs. On looking closely I found her right leg falling short. God.. she was physically handicapped. I stood shattered. But she was more stumbling when she was on the last step. I could not stop myself going to her and hold her arms as she got down the bus almost losing her balance.. I held her arms and helped her balance. Our eyes met for the first time. . Ieverything I had for her vanished but my love for her stood a class apart.

           Preparing much to speak to her, I just said softly ‘Karthik’., still holding her arm. ‘Shwetha’ she whispered. A momentary silence prevailed. I was able to sense something in her eyes. The world around us paused. Its all upturned now.. It seemed we needed no more info about each other. And magically it has happened, The magic.!’’

”karthik, what are you doing?? Its time.. How much time will you take to finish  breakfast??  Are u Dreaming ??”  Shwetha grinned at me.. Its really such a bad time to tell this.. I felt angry. She erupted me when I was relishing on the journey of my love..

‘’hey.. shwetha“  I giggled at her getting up from the dining table..

“flashback uh??” she said, with a pleasing smile which took me away..

“yeah” I giggled again..

“Well, Ok., Soon.. its time for office..”

‘’yes.. Just a moment”..

I came back and held her arms and helped her to the door, Where my shining Pulsar 180 cc  awaited for a loving couple..

May be, she is not blessed.. but certainly I’m, to hold her arm and walk all along my life.

-Karthik Selva

சிதறல்கள்!!

here r some of the short kavidhais of mine..

1. தமிழர்கள் சுற்றதிலே!

    தமிழோ தெருமுற்றத்திலே!!

2.கவிதை ஒன்று மலர்ந்தது..

   படித்தோர் முகமும் மலர்ந்தது..
   ஏதோ சாதித்ததாய் மகிழ்ச்சி!!!


3.சுதந்திர தினம்

   வெள்ளைக்காரர்கள் வசமிருந்து இந்தியாவை
   கொள்ளைக்காரர்கள் கைப்பற்றிய தினம்
   இன்று!!!

4. B.Tech

     நாளை படிக்கலாம் என்று
     நகரும் நான்கு வருடம் !!


5.  நட்பே..
     என் கண்ணீருக்கு உன் மேல்
     மிக கொடிய கோபம்..
     வெகுநாட்களாய் அதற்கு
     தரையை முத்தமிட ஆசை!!

6.  மலரட்டும் ஒரு உலகம்..
    முதலாளியும் உழைத்து..
    தொழிலாளியும் தழைத்து!!!

7.  நீ செல்லும் பாதையில்..
     காலையில் உன் முகத்தில் அடிக்கும்..
     சூரியன் கூட..
     மாலையில் உன் பின்னால் தட்டி கொடுக்கிறது!!!
     பொறுத்திரு..
     உலகம் மாறும்!!!

8.  நிலவு..

             அனுதினம் நீரில் உன் பிம்பம் தெரிய..
             உன்னில் நீரைத் தேடி பல்லாயிரம் கோடி!!!

             தினம் பார்க்கிறேன் உனை பயத்தோடு..
            ஆனால் நிம்மதி..
            வெள்ளைகள் நிறம் மாறுவது உலகில் இயற்கை!!!



    -                               :) கார்த்திக் செல்வா :)                           -

நண்பனே..--- Nanbane..

This is the lyrics of NIT-T music troupes' own composition 'nanbane'.. which is about friendship..

 நண்பன் ஒருவன் இருந்தாலே...
நரகத்தில் கூட தங்கலாம்..
எதிரே எமனே வந்தாலும்..
ஒரு கைபார்த்து செல்லலாம்..

கவலைகள் ஆயிரம் இருந்தாலும்..
கனவுகள் காக்கிறாய்..
சண்டையிட்டு கோபம்கொண்டு சென்றாலும்..
புன்னகை சேர்க்கிறாய்..
கண்ணைகட்டி காட்டில் விட்டு சென்றாலும்..
பயமில்லை நீ இருந்தா..

அங்கிருந்தும் இங்கிருந்தும் வந்தாலும்..
என்றென்றும்..
வேதம் இல்லை.. பேதம் இல்லை.. ஏதும் இல்லை..

உயிரும் நீ.. உணர்வும் நீ...
உடல் எரியும் வரை..
உலகம் நீ..

கோடி வலிகள் சுட்ட போதிலும்..
தேடி வந்து கட்டி கொள்கிறாய்..
காதல் கூட சொல்லாதது..
கணத்தில் நீ சொல்கிறாய்..

என்ன தவம் செய்தேனோ??
நட்பாக கிடைத்தாய்..
என்ன தான் நான் செய்தேனோ??
உயிரையும் நீ கொடுத்தாய்..

எல்லாமே விட்டு வா..
இசையில் பேசலாம்..

உயிரும் நீ.. உணர்வும் நீ..
உடல் எரியும் வரை உலகம் நீ..



------- கார்த்திக் செல்வா,, நகுலன் ,, சர்வேஷ் கீர்த்தி,,..---------

எட்டாத பட்டாம்பூச்சி....~~ Ettadha Pattamboochi

கண்முன் பறக்கும் வானவில் நீயோ??

காற்றில் மிதக்கும் சித்திரம் நீயோ??

பிரம்மன் போட்ட மார்கழி கோலமா??

வானம் செல்லும் சின்ன மின்னலா??

நொடியில் சுருங்கிய நீல வானமா??

படியில் சிதறும் நவரத்ன மாலையா??

அறியா காட்டின் புரியா வழியாய்..

விட்டதும் துள்ளிடும் அழகிய முயலாய்..

மனதின் ஓட்டமாய்.. மனிதனின் ஆட்டமாய்.

நிமிடத்தில் பிரியும் நிலையில்லா உயிராய்..

தொடும் முன் தொடுவானமே சென்றது..

எட்டாத பட்டாம்பூச்சி..

************கார்த்திக் செல்வா****************

Anbindri~~~அன்பின்றி....

அன்பின்றி.. 

சுட்டாலும் சூரியனை சுற்றுமா பூமி? 

விட்டாலும் நம்மை வீரட்டுமா காற்று? 

அன்பின்றி.. 

உறவோடு இருந்து அறவோடு வெட்டினாலும் 

நமை பார்த்து சிரிக்குமா ரோஜா?? 

தன் பாதையில் விரட்டி சென்றாலும் 

கதிரவன் கரைந்ததும் சுருங்குமா தாமரை?? 

அன்பின்றி.. 

கொட்டினாலும் ஓட்டினாலும் மார்கழி வந்ததும் 

துள்ளலோடு நமை ஆரவணைக்குமா மேகம்?? 

'போ'என்று வசைபாடி அனுப்பினாலும் இசைபாடி 

கரையை தொட்டுத்தொட்டு பார்க்குமா கடல்?? 

அன்பின்றி.. 

நெல் உதிர்ந்ததும் உயிர்விடுமா கதிர்?? 

தோற்றாலும் நம்மை தொடருமா நட்பு?? 

கோபத்தோடு குடைபிடித்தாலும் முத்தம்இடுமா மழை?? 

அன்பே.. 

அன்பின்றி.. 

நீ மறைத்தாலும் மறையுமா உன் நாணம்?? 

கோடி வாசங்களில் உன்வாசம் முகரமட்டும் 

சுவாசிக்குமா இந்த உயிர்?? 

 

 

:) கார்த்திக் செல்வா :)